So I know there must be millions of "weight loss" or "my struggle" blogs out there, and really I'm only going to write my thoughts so I can purge them out of my head. If you're interested that's great, if not, that's great too...
There is a great book out there by Rick Carson called Taming your Gremlin: a surprisingly simply method for getting out of your own way (great book, read it) anyway he talks about how we all have these little gremlins that get in our head and they sabotage our thinking. Most of the time these gremlins are our own insecurities and the challenge is dealing with them. My number one challenge in life is my fat gremlin. I can't believe what a HUGE challenge this has become for me.
Let me tell you a little about myself. I was never "thin." never, ever, ever... but there was a time in my life I wasn't fat. I used to be a tennis player, you've see those girls on TV playing at Wimbledon or the US Open, I didn't look like that, but most of my teammates did. I played in high school, did pretty well, went on to play for a junior college and then a 4 year college. My freshman year of high school I was 120 lbs by the end of college I was around 185, huge jump right? I know... actually writing it down makes it look a lot worse to be honest. I did get back down to the 160 mark (which I actually looked and felt good at) but slowly over the last several years it's crept back up, and now after having a baby, I'm a whopping 213. I know you're saying "but you just had a baby" but let me tell you, I gained 25 pounds with him (which isn't bad) and I lost it all the first week. I've gained back 13 just by shoveling food in my mouth. ALL THE TIME. Oh and I better not leave out that I'm a huge wino... but I digress. Since college I've run 4 half marathons, I love the accomplishment of running a half marathon, and I hope to do a full in the future. My husband and I have been married for 2 years, he is a 2 time Ironman, If you don't know what an Ironman is, let me explain. It's a triathlon, a 2.4 mile swim, 112 mile bike, followed by a 26.2 run. yes you read that right that is 140.6 miles all on your own steam and you have 17 hours to complete it. I hope to do a marathon one day, he does it after he does a swim and a bike... oh... and one other thing, he is 58... 24 years older than me. How about them apples??
So two weeks ago I took my son home to see my family who live in California, I noticed that I was feeling major anxiety about this trip and the people I was going to see. I've had many "my pants are tight" or "I feel fat" moments in my life but this was different. I was truly anxious. And perhaps what started this feeling happened about a month ago, I was out walking with my son in the jogging stroller and a lady stopped me and the conversation went like this
Lady: Oh he is so cute
Me: thank you, I think so but I'm his Mom, I'm supposed to think that
Lady: So how far apart will your kids be?
Me: silence.....
Me: Huh?
Lady: oh oh you just had him? I'm so sorry, I'm really sorry
Me: yep... That's why I'm out here walking....
I walked away feeling totally deflated. So back to the California trip... I was going to see a friend of mine who has run 10 half marathons and one marathon and looks 100 times better after having her son than before, and trust me she looked great before.I was going to see my family... I love my family, I know they love me, but they can't hold back criticism, especially when it comes to weight. And my best friend who is 35 weeks pregnant and only weighs in the 140's. So ok, again writing this down its becoming apparent why I was anxious. The week before I left I ordered spanx and loose shirts with hopes of hiding my appearance. It didn't work.... my friends were all nice enough to say I looked "great!!" but my family called me out, first my mother and then my father. which sucked. It was embarrassing. Let just leave the details out... Fast forward to two weeks later, I'm supposed to meet two girls for brunch (one had a baby 2 months ago and you can't even tell, and one just looks great all the time) and I have the same anxiety. I didn't want to leave the house. WHY?!?!? I always want to go out with friends! I'm always up for it! WHY IS THIS HAPPENING!!
I've had enough. I hope that by writing it down, it will open my eyes. I'm completely aware of why I weigh 213, but its gonna take a little while to get going. My goal for this year is a half marathon in December, but mostly and this may sound silly, but I want to look good when we take pictures for my son's first birthday. I want him to look back and be proud of his mother, and think his mother is a bad ass, not a fat ass. I want him to see that both of his parents take care of themselves and work hard at it and we enjoy being fit.
I've downloaded a "couch to half marathon" training plan, and its a 20 week plan. Today was day one. I did 30 min of walk two minutes and run one minute. It was hard, I'm not gonna pretend it wasn't, and my gremlin was in FULL FORCE. he made me angry, ashamed, hateful and hungry all at once... and that's DAY ONE....
